the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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