the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
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