No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
Why is it that the asexual in our group is the one that gets laid the most often??
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
Randomize
