Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize