Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
Moan for me like Helen Keller
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
