We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
Randomize
