my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
She has a concussion we think. Dancing to barbie girl.
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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