I no longer want to be the gay that plays in the revolving door at RelationshipDale's like a seven year old with a.d.d.
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
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