The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
Randomize
