im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Randomize
