Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
The police scanner is talking about you again....
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
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