Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
He proposed that we "bone". I've completely given up on boys.
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
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