can we get nightvision for the apartment?
My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
Randomize
