Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
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