a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
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