whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
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