So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
Where are you guys?
Drunk
Randomize
