I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
my sisters under your porch take her home
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
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