We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
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