she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Randomize
