im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
this hospital has no fireball
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
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