Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
So she was amazing, that's what. Idk if it was the blow or the blowjob, but both my heads are still tingling.
Randomize
