All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
