I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
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