Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
Sacagawea was the original milf.
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize
