Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
So many weird people in this class. I can practically taste their unwanted virginities. They taste bad.
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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