Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
either way he was missing a nipple.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
Randomize
