This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
Just started taking liver support pills. Welcome to Senior year.
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Randomize
