Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
I remember seeing LSAT prep books and thinking "Whose room is this? I should be hooking up with them instead."
I am moving slowly w him. I havent even masturbated to him yet.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
he said he's going to burn things and pack his stuff. he may leave tomorrow supposedly but i doubt it
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
Randomize
