Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
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