but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
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