I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
Do u feel more socially accepted since someone else made up their girlfriend too?
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
Just watched two people have sex in the pool. Hope you enjoy your yeast infection courtesy of the comfort inn.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
Randomize
