Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
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