I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
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