im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
Everyone says I win the strip club
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
Randomize
