I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
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