in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
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