It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
By early evening I was shouting at the deeply Christian girl to suck my dick inbetween snorting lines of gatorade powder.
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
