It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
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