Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Randomize
