Luol and I just scored with two 40 year old married chicks. They dropped us off on the way to soccer prctic. The kids in the back were confused. Call me.
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
The sex may be the only reason I like him. I've confused the multiple orgasms for feelings.
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Randomize
