just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
Randomize
