how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
I wish I only lived at night.
I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
Randomize
