I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
