Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
Just start grabbing cocks. It can't go wrong! Just say you thought you knew him and wanted to check.
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
Randomize
