The last thing I remeber was convincing you to hide in the fridge, and then taking everything out and you not fitting.
So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
can i bring anything?
Any of the following: Sex doll, side dish, fruits/vegetables that look like dildos, beer
is there a theme i should know about?
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
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