You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
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