pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
Randomize
