I have to decide between the hot young blond with no apparent gag reflex, and the brunette with a great ass and a trust fund.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
