I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
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