I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
There's a difference between southern and inbred. She just doesn't know that yet.
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
Randomize
