wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
Well regardless of where or with who you will be blacking out and i will be pouring shots down ur throat like a baby bird
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
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