I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
Randomize
