i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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