According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
There are work activities and non work activities and dunking my head in a bucket of ice water pulling it out and shotguning a beer is certainly not a work activity
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
I decided not to look up the nudes, because I believe that there is a line, and that mocking my old classmate's horrid nudes alone crosses that line.
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
Randomize
