Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
Randomize
