I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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