I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
That boy needs some memories to take back home with him
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize