K, im just throwing this out there, i am not making out with any of his friends... Especially the cross eyed one.
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
Just met a girl...She is complaining why on facebook you can't have more then one "open relationship"
I dont know how i feel about her from a moral standpoint...
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
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