I faked an abortion last night.
I have a love/hate relationship when men come within a 10 minute time frame.
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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