I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
HE WAS CUMMING IN THAT DICK PIC
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