Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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