1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
chatroulette drinking game turned into a foursome.
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
