so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
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