If you borrow your friends real doll, should you wear a condom?
I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
Randomize
