I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
She stumbled into class and Google image searched nipple piercings for the entire 75 minutes
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Randomize
